Stay classy, evenin the sticks

Are you the type who is never truly comfortable at home? If you’re anything like me, you see home as merely a place where you can catch some z’s and hit the rain closet when I’m not staying in a hotel. Although I live out in the country, I spend a lot of time traveling and working in big cities – that’s right, I’m at home in New York, London, Tokyo and wherever else there’s money to be made. So when I do make it home for more than a couple of days, I start to miss the big city lifestyle. That’s why I do my best to keep the big smoke vibe alive even though I’m all the way out here in the boonies.

So when I wake up, I’m in and out of the shower in a flash and slip straight into my Canali suit and Ferragamo shoes and strap on my Rolex. For breakfast, there’s no corn flakes or smoothie, or whatever they call it. No, sir. I grab myself a quick power cup and a bagel while watching Bloomberg and fingering the NYT. Now some of you might be sniggering away at this, and that’s fine. But the fact is that it’s those of us who are prepared to break norms and upset the apple cart that get ahead in life. I don’t try to fit in with my environment. I make the environment fit in with me. Everybody knows our culture venerates jerks and that nice, polite guys can never figure out why they hit such a low ceiling. That’s why when everyone else here in Hickville is wearing dirty jeans and chewing on tobacco, I’m dressed up to the nines like a boss, knocking back espressos.

If I get bored of being on my own at home, which tends to happen about five minutes after breakfast, I take a stroll into town. Of course, there are no trains here and getting a cab is a nightmare – you just don’t see them – so I hit the sidewalk. There’s not much choice in the way of eateries but there’s a diner that I sometimes go to. I haven’t found anything worth eating there yet – certainly not the hot dogs or the pizza, but everything’s incredibly cheap, so I usually let them bring me whatever they want. I talk a while with the waitress – they’re usually looking to get out of this town and make a real life for themselves in the city, so I’m always happy to give them advice on that.

I might take a look in the window of a local realtor just to remind myself how cheap this town is. If I had a tiny studio apartment in Tribeca, I’d be able to sell it and buy a castle with a moat here! There’s a water tower at the edge of town which gets lit up sometimes and I always like to check on that as it makes me think of what color the Empire State building is lit up. The water tower is always amber though.

When I get back home I like to open the drinks cabinet and plant myself in front of my surround-sound widescreen plasma TV for a re-run of Trading Places before I go to bed.